The Drama Triangle: Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

The Drama Triangle

Described by Dr Stephen Karpman first in the ’60s, The Drama Triangle consists of three dysfunctional roles fitting magnetically together: the Victim (the person in distress calling for help), the Persecutor (the villain, bullying and superior), and the Rescuer (the hero, overly responsible and controlling).

Typically, each individual has a role they are drawn to playing out habitually. It is also typical to flounder between roles, going from fearful, hurt Victim; too angry, righteous Persecutor; to do good Rescuer.

The pull to the role each individual is prone to playing over and over again in their lives stems from unresolved emotional pain. While Victims desperately want to be saved, Rescuers just want to help, and Persecutors feel justified in persecuting and preying on the emotional vulnerability and weakness of others. All these roles are unhealthy and ultimately painful.

Playing a role in the drama is not only toxic but emotionally detrimental for all involved. The Drama Triangle can quickly spiral downward and destroy relationships unless one of the players succeeds in resigning from their role and refusing to engage in the dysfunctional dynamic anymore.

Information and understanding are key to withdrawing and moving towards healthy self-reliance, with boundaries to prevent future drama triangles.

The Empowerment Triangle

What is coined by coach and author David Emerald as The Empowerment Triangle (TED), offers a model for a shift into alternate roles for each individual in The Drama Triangle?

The Victim becomes the Creator who thoughtfully and carefully evaluates the situation before choosing appropriate action, rather than reacting from a problem-focused standpoint. The Creator strives to move towards goals, rather than focusing on handling, avoiding, or resolving problems.

The Persecutor becomes the Challenger encouraging growth and action in the creator. The challenger works on encouragement and building up rather than criticism, control or putting down.

The Rescuer becomes the Coach whose focus is to help the Creator envision and develop next steps and work towards independence. Support replaces rescuing, and the goal is to help the Creator develop a sense of agency so that the they are not dependent and waiting to be rescued.

These shifts undoubtedly require courage, commitment and practice. For someone whose self-image has been that of a Victim for a stretch of time, it may be challenging to think about their vision and work towards self-defined goals. The TED model encourages Creators to take baby steps towards clarifying and moving towards goals despite obstacles.

Some Tips to avoid toxic relationship patterns:

• When you notice you are repeating a communication or behaviour pattern in a relationship, take a step back from it. Observe yourself and break the pattern by doing something different.
• Take personal responsibility for your words and actions. If you feel powerless, or find yourself blaming others for your life, look at what is required for you to develop personal power, feel a sense of agency and have control over your life choices and actions.
• If you find you take on too much responsibility for others, take a step back and allow them to take responsibility for themselves. If that means they fail and learn through experience, allow that to happen. Even for children, it is healthy to feel the consequences of their actions without having their parents take care of everything. Realize everyone has a right to personal agency. Allowing people to make their own decisions for their lives implies you trust them to figure things out.
• Don’t engage in negative behaviours. Don’t belittle, yell, criticize, scold, threaten, blame etc. And don’t be the recipient of such behaviour either. Walk away from unhealthy interactions and revisit the topic at a better time.
• If you feel defensive, angry or upset look deeper into why you feel this way. Stay away from interacting within your relationship until you are in a calmer emotional state.
• Finally, focus on your emotional growth and remember you cannot light the fire in anyone else’s belly. Introspection and insight generate growth, but everyone must want the change, and pursue the work required to shift toxic relationship dynamics and maintain healthy boundaries for themselves.

For more support in healing from relationship wounds or breaking toxic relationship patterns, consider seeking professional help. Meaningful relationships can and should be a source of comfort and joy!

This post was republished from couple-care.com.